I Hate Him... Or me?

I hate him.

A letter I wrote to myself the day my depression came back.

As much as I don't like to hate. I do. I hate the fact that he broke me. I hate that he tore down everything I built back up for myself. I have to fix everything inside myself all over again. I've never had it easy.. and I'm not looking for pity from a single human. Thats the problem. If you don't pay someone to tell them your problems, people think all you want is for them to feel bad for you. That's why I never tell a single soul what goes on inside my head. I feel like I'm my 14 year old depressed self again. I feel scared. I feel hopeless. I have never felt safe. My whole life running trying to be in search of happiness. I was dealt a difficult hand in life and I accept it. I just don't want my past to follow me around to my future. I don't want to be this sad. I don't want to feel this worthless. But I do. I don't want to have the terrible thoughts that I do. I try my best to control it. I'm just so angry at myself for letting someone tear me apart and get to me the way they had. Maybe I'm not even mad at the other person. Just mad at myself. My problem is I like to fix people. I couldn't fix my mom so I have to go on and try to at least make a difference in someone else's life. But, unfortunately it's taken me years to realize I have to fix myself before I can help or fix anyone else. The pain is unbearable. At this point I don't know how much more disappointment I can't handle.

Looking back, I think very deeply about this letter. 

I notice that writing down what I go through, truly helps me recognize my feelings and why I had them. I dissect my feelings to get to know myself and my triggers.

In this instant, this is me looking back on this moment.

Remembering.

Remembering every tear.

Remembering how the cold bathroom floor felt as I wept on my knees.

Each drop forming a puddle on the tile right in between my arms as I was praying for the pain to stop.

It was out of my control.

It was not the plan I had for myself.

Oh, was I was wrong.

I didn't know what was best for me at the time.

I thought I did.

I was completely inside out.

I thought I was strong before.

But now....

I feel my happiest self.

I am someone I never knew before.

It started this moment.

I was scared, but ready for a change.

Ready to lift myself up again.

The fact that someone had such power over my own emotions lit a few lightbulbs for me.

I started to dig deeper.

I started to ask myself, why can't I just be happy?

Why can't god just send me someone to stay forever to keep me happy.

It was meant for me to find out, I did not need a single soul but my own to make that happen.

That moment I did not quite understand why all of this "bad stuff" was happening to me all at once.

They say " don't look back, but i find looking back is the only way to improve the way we go forward.

I am not saying to dwell on it, but to start learning from our living.

I'm looking at it like the universe was cleansing my life of all the negative to make room for the new and positive.

When I realign my thoughts and remember to remember, the fear and sadness disappears completely. 

I started to find myself; my passions again.

Passions appeared, that I didn't even know I Would be interested in.

My thoughts were constantly upon worrying, so I had no room for beautiful thoughts.

That is not a way to live, and I was not about to let that happen.

I started to experience a unique feeling of joy and happiness when consciously changing my thoughts to happy ones. 

It is almost like when you drink a whole lot of water, your stomach gets full. 

There's only so much room for that liquid. 

The happiness is the liquid and when I'm all filled up with it, there is no room for fear, regret, or fret. 

No room for any negative.

I know it sounds very different the way that I think about it. I just don't know how else to explain it!

I did not know it at the time, but this was a day of POSITIVE transformation for me.

I believe, Pain can be one of our greatest catalysts for transformation.

Once we hit the ground, we have nowhere to go but up.

Just because the past did not turn out exactly the way that you wanted it to, does not mean your future can't be better than you ever imagined.

Thats the lesson I have learned.


The Chair With Chels💋






Camera Used for Photography:

Nikon D3300 Amazon